Dance

Wanna dance? Let’s fuck then.

We had a great connection and I felt safe in his arms as we danced and laughed and worked up a great flow. The dance lasted for almost 1,5 hours and I felt so alive and happy afterwards. The next day we had a similar dance for one hour, playing around, having fun. He challenged me but never made me feel bad when making small mistakes, on the contrary, we laughed together and just expressed ourselves to the music. And the next day the question comes. Or rather an expressed will: I want you. I say I wanna stay just friends. And after that we don’t dance anymore.

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This is sadly enough the reality many times in this world, and something I reckon was extra clear in Rovinj this year. There was an unusual strong sexual atmosphere over the whole place, and don’t get me wrong, I understand sex is part of it and not a bad thing – go and explore and have fun, but when it is the thing determining who you are dancing with, it’s not nice.

This is also something used in the hunt for a dance partner I’ve noticed. I’ve received offers to become someone’s dance partner or teach with a person, with a quite explicit expectation that I sleep with them. Because “the connection is so much better once we’ve had sex”. Might be, or might not. I don’t know. But I do know it’s a strong expression of an old-fashioned notion that men possess women’s bodies. By all means, sleep with your partner if you want, but don’t use it as a requirement when entering a partnership or choosing whom to assist your class. If it happens it should happen “organically”, naturally, unconditionally, but to put it into words as a very clear expectation is not nice – and certainly not 2017. And just to be clear, the ones I have ever taught with and assisted never asked that, but are respectful people and friends of mine.

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I want to emphasise that this problem is not necessarily representative for the whole community, and for all festivals, but in Rovinj I got the feeling that many guys had one thing on their mind, and once again, it’s not the sex itself that’s the problem, it’s when it’s used against you as a dancer. It’s when you are not chosen because of the signals you send out are pretty clear “you can dance with me but don’t expect more”. And now, all men who are thinking well the girls hunt for sex too, yes I do understand that. But I rarely hear of girls stop dancing with guys because they know he’s not up for sex.

So the guy who stopped dancing with me also stopped talking to me after my no thank you, which made me feel sad, to be honest. Not only because we were already friends and used to talk but also that we clearly had a good connection and we had fun on the dance floor, and suddenly that was just gone. Maybe it will change next time we meet in another context that is not Rovinj, who knows.

However the week in Rovinj was also lovely in many ways, the lazy days at Mulini beach, the socials provided by our Swedish DJ Paluxe, my lovely friend and partner in crime Sofia by my side. And I can’t emphasise enough that there are so many gentlemen and good people out there. I had wonderful dances with for example Albir, Papelini, George and Micha. And one of the best things this festival had nothing to do with dancing, but writing. Multiple people from different countries said they read my blog and appreciate what I do. That meant a lot to me!

Much much love to you all <3

PS here’s a FB live session where Sofia and I share our feelings about this festival after the last party (mostly in Swedish but some parts in English)

43 Comments

  • Giselle

    100%My experience too. In rovinj and in gral.
    So many guys I have danced with feeling connection, having fun ,thinking we were friends sometimes…but in the end,when you make clear you don’t want sex but just friendship,voila! They stopped dancing with me. When I even asked some of them what was wrong I got stupid answers on the lines of” I like you so much so I can’t dance with you” lol
    I had also been asked if I was interested in meet up for “practising ” dancing by one of the teachers, as he had enjoyed dancing with me and it was going to be good for him to practise for his classes. In the end I couldn’t meet up with him so the next time I saw this person he didn’t even say hi to me and acted very distant,forget about dancing of course.
    So in summary, yes,same happened to me soo many times! it’s a shame on these men who behave like that, but luckily there are other people out there who are respectful and have more brain developed to be used on other things apart from sex, let’s concentrate on these ones and maybe let the other ones what we think of them.

    • Will

      So I’m a man, and I will talk as a man

      I have done Rovinj 3 times with my girlfriend, and I’m not sorry at all for you.

      1 – I never dance 1,5 hours with a lady for the 1st time. Even if I have a “amazing connection” with her. Clearly, you send wrong signal to the men. You are keeping his full focus on you. Maybe you can dance 1.5h in several times, but in once it is a big mistake. Even with ladies who are my friends I rarely dance so long in once…In Rovinj there are plenty of good dancers with who u can have great fun. Just need to take the TIME and RISK to dance with other men to find another good one.

      2 – I would say it differently. How a man can make the difference between a lady who is just there to dance and a lady who want more, when you stay 1,5h with him, and you spend time laughing with him. This is not obvious…

      3 – There are also ladies that like to exited men just for fun. And they are plenty in Rovinj. They are also a lot of lady that like to be seduce just for fun…And most of the time, it is fun for the lady, not for the man.

      4 – Rovinj, as many festivals is only 3-4 days. So clearly, if a men want a partner for a night he cannot spend several hours with a “friend”. You can spend several hours talking with a friend, when u dance in your city . Because u know, you will have plenty occasion to dance with other people.

      Finally, Rovinj has been one of my best festivals. I have great boat trip and parties. I met funny and great people. And I dance with many ladies with who I got a great connection. If like me, you do plenty festival. You will meet several time the same people (dance is a small world), and you will start to have more “friends” from different countries. And may be more 😉

      • Marjorie

        Soooo….. it is the lady’s fault that these men act like pigs with an enormous ego???? Don’t make it about you or identify these ‘men’ with you. Why not
        accept her complaint. It is her truth and her experience. It is men like you that stain the reputation of dancing.

      • enrico

        Thank will for the answer. I will also speak as a ‘men’.

        Sorry to say, but in all respect, you do not know how to behave socially and then you give the responsibility to the men. If a person opens up with you, got in connection with you and then he get rejected all of a sudden, than would you be really surprises if he avoid you? Maybe he feels slightly used and/or humiliated? As Will said, if you dance for long time (for me long time is anything above 2 songs), this shows personal interest, not interest into dancing.

        (it is 3 years that I am dancing, I never tried to sleep with any dance partner, and I always been extremely clear about it, -and I am not shy-)

      • Yves

        As a social dancer for the last 20 years in Switzerland I totally agree with you concerning 1. and 2. In kizomba partys we usually dance 1-3 songs and then invite an other partner…

        • L

          Man, I must’ve given wrong ideas to many men…. I dance a long time with several, but yet, with most I’ve never had an issue with them ignoring me after. I wonder if it’s because they know I’m a teacher and taken….

          That being said, there have been men like the one in the story above. And yes, it is a shame to lose a friend and dance connection once they realize I’m not there for sex.

          A dance is a dance. And yes, its unfortunate when someone will suddenly turn off just because you dont want sex.

          Add into this the idea of “friendship”. More and more, “friendship” involves “benefits” in the minds of men. So now, women can’t trust a friendship label to say “we are close, but not into sex.”

          If the man in this scenario was only after sex, he should have been up front. And, if not getting sex after several long dances will upset you, its time to reevaluate your game plan.

          I understand the pain the author is feeling. It doesnt mean the man is a horrible person. But, these scenarios can happen… And its a shame when someone you thought was a friend starts trying to make it into “more”, but cuts out after a no.

          • Alberto

            He should’ve just danced like two songs and then pulled her to the side to talk to her. Then he should’ve laid out his intentions smoothly, saying he’s interested in exploring each other mentally and physically in his bedroom. If she says no, then he should’ve politely moved on to someone else. But to dance for like 2.5 hours with the same girl over an entire festival just to get laid is just ridiculous. lol

      • stephanie gurnon

        a) Your point of view (the guy with the girlfriend) is from someone who is in a partnership already and not a single guy. So…im not sure you can relate to this story as a boyfriend or a a male dancer.

        The point is, in order to get good dances, we have to either get a rejection, or pretend that mayyybe we will have sex, so he wont dump us altogether, and play this tiring game. Men just do not have this game to play. Point.

        ps. i’ve been to Rovinj and many other festivals for almost 5 years now. just sayin.

        • Will

          I’m no more in relationship and keep doing festival.

          Here the pb are: the notion of time and how she feel disappointed/sad because he say no afterwards.

          Ladies don’t need 1h to get connection and enjoy. The proof: with Albir or Kwenda all ladies will enjoy in less than 10min. And she has enjoyed to dance with Albir less than 10min.
          In Bachata you can connect and enjoy in 1 song.

          If she really saw him as a “friend”, she can keep talking with him without dancing. Create other connections, topics, so the guy don’t feel ashamed. So he can see her more like a friend. And next time, maybe next festival, they will enjoy the dance like friend.

  • Senor

    Being a man I am often quite sensitive to those articles. I would like you to understand the guys maybe a little better, maybe understand you a little better:

    Most guys are there for dancing and for (let’s call it) ‘fun”. The proportions might be different, varying from 100% dancing 0% fun and the others who just want to hump.

    Let’s assume the guys you met there were about 50/50 . So what
    would you expect them to do

    ” By all means, sleep with your partner if you want, but don’t use it as a requirement when entering a partnership or choosing whom to assist your class. ”

    With a dancer you enter a relationship (in a general sense). So what does a woman do when she is not satisfied with a relationship, when she is lacking a component? She breaks up. The same with the guy. What would you do if you were in a sexual relationship with someone, who is otherwise not interested with you as a person? Would you still sleep with him? Probably you would stop doing that after a while.
    What about those guys you just dance with because they friends but not really fulfilling as dancers. Would you be still dancing with them if they were not friends?
    What actually happened was that your and this guy’s interests were varying. The usual thing is then that people go separate ways.

    ‘ If it happens it should happen “organically”, naturally, unconditionally, but to put it into words as a very clear expectation is not nice – and certainly not 2017.’

    What is wrong about a guy putting his expectations in to words? Do you really like him to hide what he is actually interested in? If he has not been harassing you and just asked friendly (and only once), what is not 2017 about it? What would 2017 be?

    Don’t get me wrong, those questions are not rhetorical. I would just like to know what behavior you would expect from someone who is interested in ‘fun’ and dancing?

  • Anne

    I agree with you and reject this phenomenon too. It’s not nice to notice it was apparently all about sex. It happens to a lot of girls who are in dance for dancing. But I also sympathetise with will: for a man its not clear what yoy want if you dance 1.5 hours with him! So you can prevent this disappointment a little.

  • Joan

    Yep welcome in rovinj. Fuckfestival..
    To bad that many guys only go there for this.
    And ofcourse some girls make it easy for them.
    But for the real dansers it’s not fun.
    I rather not go to this kind a festivals anymore cause of this.
    Of your not a slut they don’t wanne dance.
    Well that’s to bad.

  • Irina

    Sooo true… I started to think that 95% of good dancers are on the dance floor just for sex. They became crazy. And all this bullshit like “I can’t dance with you cause I like you so much” or “I can’t control myself when you are close” makes me feel that woman’s beauty is something bad. Really, it’s a gift not a reason to suffer. Right now I’m thinking about quit kizomba… too many “connections” and invitations for “afterparty”(((

  • Michal

    Fully agreed with Will – not sorry for you at all. You are upset that after having this much great time together guy decides not to dance with you after it turns out you are not interested in him? My guess is that the guy might have been upset too – he probably thought you might be interested in him “this way” and had hopes for a while but then it turns out “I only like you as a dance partner” – that’s like a slap for a guy who liked you and thought you like him back.
    And please don’t argue that guys who dance for dancing only (all these guys who didn’t want anything from you) are good and those who do want more are bad. These are the same guys!

    This same guy that was upset with you and decided not to dance with you probably is just a normal dancer having “dance only” relations with other girls. Just like your repectful friends who didn’t ask you for more. He acted differently with you because he was interested and seeing how good connection you two have and how much time you allow him to spend with you though you might be interested too. At the end he decided not to dnce with you so much (at least for now) probably because he felt hurt and a bit humiliated – the feeling in this situation is similar to being friendzoned – “good for dancing but not good enough for her” – this effects in guy feeling like being used by you – that’s right, you heard me right. It is quite normal for a guy to retreat after such “slap” – continuing dancing after rejection like this would be hurtful.

    And the same guys who danced with you and didn’t ask you for more might have been in the same situation like your poor fella was in with you. Just with another girl who they thought liked them.

    Seeing that the guy spent so much time with you before asking for more allows me to assume that he was not one of these vultures and he was just misinterpreting what was going on – and it was quite easy to misinterpret since you allowed him to dance with you for so long and with such a good vibe going on.

    And I’m not saing you used him (he might feel this way) – it is quite obvious from your post that you ment no harm (though there girls who deliberately sustain such relations for their dancing pleasure knowing that the guy wants more and is hurting). It’s just that your opinion is very onesided and seems to give no justice to the situation you described.
    It is sad that you thought so not realising the other perspective.

    Better luck managing both your and your partner’s feelings next time such a situation occurs. This sort of things happen and you can manage them better even just by taking all possibilities earlier into account (better judgement).

    You ask me how I know? I’ve been there. I am a normal dancer, having normal dances most of the time (like your respectful friends), but every once in a while I like a girl more and try to extend the relation. Obviously in such situations sometimes I am rejected. And here’s where all the magic happens:
    Sometimes the girl is more aware (good judgement) and shows me she is not interested early enough for me not to hold a grudge.
    Some other times she doesn’t show me any signs of “not interested” until very end. My reaction will differ depending of my perception of the situation – “did she used me deliberately or was she just that blind?” (that’s an upset’s man thought in this situation). Another thing – I might assume she ment no harm and still decide to cut her off just because I got to involved by then and I don’t want to keep hurting after being turned down. After being rejected like your fella was I might even decide to explain to you/her the reason why I will stay away for a while. Not explaining might suggest that the guy was either to angry or had problems to believe you were not aware (meaning he felt you used him).

    Peace (&love)

    • M

      I’m glad there’s different perspective because article is obviously very bias from female perspective where all the responsibility on the guy.

    • M

      I’m a female, social dancing for about a decade, and I fully agree with you and Will. Each dance has their standard number of songs to dance to as a “normal” or friendly level… 1.5hrs is way beyond, and anything beyond what is the average is an investment in something more than just friendly dancing – whether it’s a partnership, or hooking up or romantic relationship. Also, I do not know you, so take this with a grain of salt, but if they were someone that you felt was a great lead, they may have been making up for your following. And even though they may have enjoyed it, for them to continue for that long, he had to have motivation. (For example, If you were his mother, he would have been taking care of you, if you were his underaged student, he would be taking care of you. If you are a female that is single, of age, and not family to him, ask yourself what motivation he could have…) It would likely be best, for both you and the person you enjoy dancing with, to recognise and not ignore that. Like it was stated above, if you’d like to preserve a good dance friendship, let them know what your intentions are, long before they verbally or physically make it clear that they want more. It would hopefully show them that you respect yourself, their feelings, and then as human beings (not just as a means of achieving your dance high).

    • Chris

      Nice, balanced and well written comment Michal. I like the point you make that people (men or women) could “use” your company, dancing, etc, while they do realise you are interested but they aren’t.
      And indeed we men can feel very hurt when “we’re good for dancing / driving to parties, paying, but not for dating”

      I totally dont want to deny anybody’s feelings by the way.

      I’m very curious what the original author, Anna, thinks of this perspective, Michal described here.

  • Bartolomeo

    First of all I would like to thank Anna for a wonderful but still slightly naive article. Do not get me wrong! I agree with her position 101%. No metter how long you dance with a pertner, it could be 2 straight hours and you could be half naked by the time you catch the final beat. You aALWAYS have the right to say no, change your mind or whatever. The guy really needs to be naive, self-centered, with an abyss low self esteem to take that as a major blow and actually stop talking with a person he has been a friend for some time. I have been an international dance instructor for the past 10 years, traveled the world and have been open enough to wonder into other dance scenes. Sadly but honestly, there is so much fowl play awkward macheesmo and sexism preasent on todays dancefloors. Especially when it comes to international camps when guys are away from the eyes back home and they suddenly get this dick comlex. Don’t get me wrong, EVERYBODY wants to fcuk! But you can be an ashole getting the booty or you can do it the respectful way when afterwards it keeps coming back for more (or not). That goes for both sides of course. But at the same time you’d have to be emotionally dumb and blind, have your sex sensors filled with ass-cream to not notice the guy was hitting on you after dancing with him for an hour staright two night in a row. IT ALL COMES DOWN TO RESPECT! Respecting somebodys emotions and aspirations don’t matter how naive or un-noble they are 🙂

  • Gonzo

    Another male here and I have to admit I mostly agree with Will, you must exude an inviting energy – but I don’t mean “it’s your fault, you were basically asking for it”.

    Kizomba is a dance of which the point is connection. Inevitably this will tend to transcend beyond the dancing. Regardless of how refined we are, after all, still animals, but we do have the ability to restrain ourselves, and most do.

    Let me first describe my perspective on the dance after I got into a relationship. I enjoy experiencing different connections with different dancers, and if I encounter any exceptional ones, I discuss them with my GF and she is genuinely happy I’ve discovered a new great dancer. I don’t dance more than 3 dances with pretty much anyone, except for my GF.

    When I was single, of course, I kept an eye open for any potential partners on and off the dance floor, the dancing was not a means to an end. Still, usually 2 dances, sometimes 3, and the occasions when I danced for more than 30 minutes can be counted with the fingers of a leper’s hand. If a girl would not pull away gently, to hint she wants to go after 10 songs I would definitely figure she was into me. Now, being on an international festival, I couldn’t be blamed for popping a question.

    Picture kissing a guy at a party. He then asks you to follow him upstairs and you slap him, no, you just want to kiss, where ever did he get the idea you want sex????

    Regardless of what I said above, I have had the pleasure of dancing with an exceptional dancer, who as it appeared loved and did prolonged sessions of 5 or more songs. But somehow I knew (and I’m sure other guys did as well) that it was just dancing, this everlasting listening to the tiniest movements that the partner does.

    My advice? Just pull away. If you really want to, then dance 5 songs and switch partners, there are plenty of good dancers around, so go, explore.

  • Dapo

    I am a bit confused.
    Why the expectation of continued interest, if what he expected was not met?
    He asked for sex, you rightfully said no, He chose to move on, not harass you about it, and spend more of his efforts seeking what he wanted. We all do this in one way or another in life. Just as he chose to move to seek what he wanted, you should find like minded men that would dance with you not expecting sex of which there are several.

    • Chris

      Great summary!!
      In fact maybe the original author indeed kind of complainted that other people should and ought to have the same wants as she has. Some indeed add: when you go dance you should never want anything else than dance. Well thats indeed not how life is. Everyone has their owns wishes. Lets not judge that.

  • Raina

    I’m a girl dancing all the dances I can, and I have fallen into the “male” trap of mostly wanting to have sex with my partners. And I mostly did. And it felt great and my dance has improved because my libido is as high as a male one.

    I don’t feel sorry, nor do I think it has anything to do with being slutty, or a woman, or a man. It has to do with your libido, self control and current wishes. If a man/ woman wants to have sex, they will show signs. If they get sex, great, if not, they will get rejected and possibly move on to someone else before they get more attached. If the connection dissapears, you still had connection and build your life and your dance from that. Don’t freaking dwell on it.

    I haven’t been to Rovinj, but I know kizomba is sensual, and sex is natural. Put sun and beach and vacation to it, and no wonder people are looser in their judgements.

    1. Slut shaming is not OK, wether you’re a girl talking about other girls, or a guy talking bout other women.

    2. Women ARE flirty and will take things too far just for the fun of it, but saying “She’s asking for it” is not 2017. You’re guys, you’re not savages, learn to control yourselves, unless instructed otherwise.

    3. If a guy rejects you after you’ve turned him down, don’t dwell on it like a needy girlfriend with her friend on the phone for 4 hours. Move on and find another partner or whatever.

    Greetings from Russia!

  • Christian

    Hello everybody.

    I’m man also. I love to dance and to enjoy the music. I was several times rejected by women because they didn’t know me and didn’t want to give a try (at list to see how I lead and how I interpret the music ). There was other men they wanted to dance with, and they had a strong will to wait for a dance with “the man”.
    The easiest way to do is to blame the other side. In this kind of situations both sides are equally guilty. Nobody can say that one side or the other is worth.
    The only person that feels that is not guilty should throw the rock.
    I do feel when a woman wants more than dance and to avoid it I’m dancing usually a couple of dances (2-3).
    Dancing with someone to many it can be misinterpreted from both sides because dancing is creating a strong connection and a very different communication.
    I could ad here that a teacher told me once a golden rule, that, in the country where kizomba is coming from is interpreted like this : (if to people are dancing more the 2 dances you/her might think that might be more than dancing in stake “let’s say fun”, and if they are 5 or more it means that you/her wants to get married with.)
    Usually at the parties there are more women than men… isn’t it a proof of selfishness to dance with a man for 1,5 hour when other women are waiting to be asked for a dance?
    I know that this is a sensitive subject and I know for sure that women love sex as much as men do.
    If he gets upset about your rejection first of all is because of expectations (the bigger they are the bigger the disappointment is). It’s true that he bild the expectations because he thought it is something between you too (the 2 days en a row with long dancing sessions ). And it’s not to be blamed if he got upset after the rejection. I think that women will do the same if they are rejected.
    So, to be aware about the message you (as a human being ) are transmitting, it’s about to know the limits of the “friendship “… Are we able to know our limits ? Are we aware about what’s going on?

    When as human beings will be able to answer “yes” to both of them, it means that we are mature enough to take the responsibility!

    Respect and love to you all.
    Christian

  • Jon

    Interesting article and discussion. I’m a guy and I have been to Rovinj twice.

    I do not really get why there is a problem dancing for 1 hour with a girl when the connection is great – as in the nirvana experiences we go to festivals to experience. Connection is a beautiful thing in itself and I may LOVE the dance and connection, without being attracted to the girl I am dancing with. For me a long dance is (mainly) a reflection of good music and good connection.

    Sometimes there may be more than just dance connection – then I see where it leads, but if she is not interested, that is perfectly ok and I understand that I was not entirely calibrated to her signals or lack of signals – or maybe she was interested, but did not want to act on them for some reason. It is no problem at all – just like a “no thank you” when you invite a girl. I enjoyed the dance and learned something from the interaction.

    • anna

      Thank you for those words Jon, exactly what I mean! Sex can be a plus but a long dance can be justified solely cause of the great connection and feeling in the dance, doesn’t have to mean more. /Anna

      • Chris

        …doesnt have to be more…. thats exactly the point.

        In your world it does not have to mean more. In mine it depends which signals are added. But for other people it does mean more. I think this is not about you but abour someone else and you cant expect othets to think and expect the same way you think.

        I think thats the core issue.

  • Stevens

    Wow wow wow and I said it three times…what’s going on in Europe these days …
    First I m new to the scene ,even I v been follow back all activities and shows from the past years living in the US but now then I m back here in Paris I would like to check it out but for starter … guys or I ll say horny , no self respect and no matter having fool ,and most importantly zero game …..if you think dancing with a lady for 2hours earn you the way to her pants ,think again cuz that just plain stupid and lame ,and if it works before I guess we don’t have the same standard,so you should analyse your preys before you open your mouth and say some stupid ..
    Any men that have been raised right by his mother would agree with me ,a minimum of respect for women in general…
    I m old school, I love more zouk than kizomba
    If you r going to festivals no just to meet cool new peeps , enjoy few dances and laugh and sex is your motivation … you r gonna grow old ,alone with no goals and nothing to show up for …
    Instead of networking ,you are sexworking , well grow up….
    And if any men out there is not agree with me , fuck you then .. .and if you think you can really dance I challenge you to 5 different sorts of dance beside kizomba .. I love music and I love dancing .. it’s not just about that bump and grind …
    I might even think about organizing my own sort of festival with real dancers with all sorts of dance not just the rubbing against your legs one ….
    On this note …ladies and gentlemen ,stimulate your mind not just your body …
    See ya soon.

  • stephanie gurnon

    Oh yes!!! The point about women being sluts is a very valid point. It’s not me of course haha. I’ve seen one girl being called an ‘open bar’ for 2 years and eventually being rejected. She even stopped wearing tight clothing and looked like a hippy after…and stopped going out altogether.
    Men can be sluts all they want, but women must guard their reputation…or else! They don’t get dances. So if women say no to sex they are rejected, and if they say yes a lot, rejected too.
    Hmm…

  • Yoda the green

    *this comes from a man.
    @Gonzo, you have a strikingly sexist perspective. Sorry for that. You could broaden that though… Your intention will design your experience. All you said describes YOU, not kizomba, such perspective would be a shame for a PALOP.

    • Gonzo

      Yoda the green: I am not sure on what grounds you accuse me for being sexist, since I did not prejudice, stereotype or discriminate against either sex, so I invite you to elaborate on that. Along those lines, please note that men and women undeniably play different roles, none play more important one, but they are different.

      I do agree with you that the intention you have steers the direction of your experience, no doubt about that. Still, I claim that regardless of that, when it comes to the opposite sex (if hetero) our brain runs their own flavor of our common algorithm when we are in a social situation, which decides how desirable the individual is. And it must be taken into account that dancing kizomba, we are in an extraordinary social situation, we are in close contact with a stranger, and our medial prefrontal cortex decides what to do next. I would suggest it is often indeed difficult to interpret the signals correctly and rationally but this is all normal. After you’ve had some mileage, I think things normalize, so perhaps it is mostly relative newcomers that are problematic?

      The complaints regarding men-women interaction I’m hearing from women are not that after 1,5 hours of dancing together he dared to ask her out, but rather and I quote “creepy vibe”, “dances sort of dirty”, “slimy guy”.

  • Aha

    Thank you for this article and for speaking up. To dance with somebody for so long, I think it’s pretty obvious that it’s about something else than the dance itself though. I just would like to mention, that there are also “nice” guys unfortunatelly with only one intention (not a dance) and they know exactly how to make you feel special, connect to you, so they get what they want eventually and then just throw you away after a while or right away. And they do it everywhere they go, so to do international congresses it’s just a bigger playground for them with more options and it takes a bit longer for others to learn their agenda. And of course those kind of people would never admit that there is something wrong about it, as when there is a connection, then let’s use it, coz it is stronger and more important than the morals, brain and also teachers support and teach about connecting to other person, rather than you connecting to yourself and the music, so hey, it’s all normal. Good think about it is, that these kind of people destroy themselves eventually, as people speak to each other and their reputation is going to get them. Karma is a bitch… 🙂

  • Nope

    Hi Anna,

    Don’t be surprised if a man stops to dance with you after you reject is offer 😉
    If he has desire for you, he will be stupid to continue to torture himself by dancing with you.
    It will be easier for him to calm down if he avoids contact with you.

    When I’m hungry but can’t eat I avoid to stay front of my best food.

  • JUST DANCE

    Hi All, I am also a man and want to say a few things about this topic. First of all I am a kizomba dancer for more than 5 years and also teach kizomba.

    1. Gents come on let’s also be true to ourselves. You know that MOST (no not all men but really a lot) guys in the “kizomba/urbankiz” scene dance because they want to have sex and not that they are seeking a real relationship. Yes they also like the music and the dance, but they also want sex and in some ways it is easier to get a certain connection with the ladies while dancing kizomba because it can be so close etc. so it’s a combination of this all and more, but one of the main reasons is sex. (Yes I know this because the scene is not that big and I know a lot of guys and we also know that we guys talk about these things. Male students and friends came to me and asked me to teach them and I always like to ask them why they want to learn it so bad and they would say a lot, but the main thing would be sex). It is really not bad to want sex, because we are human and yes we live in 2017 and should be able to talk openly and straight about it, but still with respect.

    2. Like it is said many time here before, dancing with a men/women for 1,5 hours can send out the wrong signals, but it is not the other person to blame who doesn’t want more out of it. And IF there is someone to blame than it should be both parties. I truely do understand that it sends out the wrong message if you dance so long and yes the ladies can prevent this from happening to dance only 2 or 3 songs with a partner, but why should there be a limit if you just feel the connection with someone which you “maybe” never felt before and “probably” never will ever in your life? That’s crazy if you ask me.

    3. When feeling the connection we sometimes let ourselves go and enjoy the moment. That’s when the dance is really good and you’re feeling eachother and sometimes it can be a little bit flirty. Also that should be okay, but we should not be to surprised if the other person asked for more. I DO NOT say that it is normal or okay, but yes it is 2017 🙂

    4. My story: I often dance long with the ladies when I feel the connection. Yes sometimes it is even 2 hours long and I do not ask for more of the lady. One time I was dancing with a lady and we danced maybe like 2,5 hours long and it was really different than all the other dances I had. We were both flirting a little and maybe me more than her. Nothing happened and both of us did not asked for more. Another time we met again and we danced also very long and were also flirting a little bit. Yes I wanted more to be honest, but still didn’t ask for more, but she could see that I wanted more and she told me without me really asking that she just want to be friends. I was a little bit dissapointed, because I liked her. After that we were still talking and dancing on parties when we saw eachother. For me it was okay and we were really just talking as friends. After a few months while being just friends she sent me a message saying that she was surprised that after she said that she just wanted to be friends and nothing more, that I still kept talking and dancing with her. After that she asked me on a date and since than we are in a relationship.

    What I’m trying to say is that yes there will be men that will stop dancing with you once you tell them you just want to be friends and you will maybe be dissapointed or they will be hurt by it. And it is okay to be dissapointed (both parties). If what life has thought us is that we often cannot have it all. We all come for different reasons to parties/festivals and that will always be like that.

    We also shouldn’t forget that we are human and think and act different. Everyone deals with things differently. For some people taking distance works in this case and for others not so good. We should have peace with it, BUT for those who just learn kizomba/urbankiz as a tool to have sex and stop having contact with the other person because of the rejection is just sad.

    BUT HEY, WE ARE HUMAN AND WILL ALWAYS DISSAPOINT EACHOTHER IN SOMEWAYS.

    Just Dance & Have Fun (no matter what).

  • Diana

    Interesting how everbody equals couple dance with communication: if so and the man leads, it is NOT a dialog!!! He talks all the time and she is just humming and nodding and agreeing…. so yes, when they dance for longer it is first of all his decision to which she agrees! And right: because of waiting all to long for man to dance and waiting even longer for a really good connection why should the lady stop just because of being afraid this could mean anything? The interpretation belongs to him first of all: expecting anything without communicating is one´s own fault, in this special case his …… and just thinking having a good body connection means kind of a foreplay to me just shows how low the interest in the person is like just ejaculating into someone, doesn´t matter who it is, only concerning there is a possibility ….pfffffff oh men what is wrong with you? And then being all to sensitive to a reject…… every woman in the world has the right to say stop: if she just wants to be naked with you and talk it is fine. It just shows, that you men are never interested in being with another person in all levels of intimacy, the only thing for you that counts is your orgasm!

  • Brian

    Anna, thanks for your provocative post.

    “…it’s not the sex itself that’s the problem, it’s when it’s used against you as a dancer. It’s when you are not chosen because of the signals you send out are pretty clear “you can dance with me but don’t expect more”. And now, all men who are thinking well the girls hunt for sex too, yes I do understand that. But I rarely hear of girls stop dancing with guys because they know he’s not up for sex.”

    It sounds like you are saying you think men do this, but women don’t. I suspect you “rarely hear” about it, not because it doesn’t happen, but because of who you talk with, and what you talk about. Now that you have raised the subject, I can tell you that I have lost very enjoyable social dance partners on more than one occasion once I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in sex with them, only in dancing with them. Most times there was no direct or indirect verbal request on their part (which doesn’t surprise me, given the cost to a woman in USA culture for being seen as “easy”). The sequence was more like this: 1) many great dances with sensual awareness and intimate connection 2) increasingly smoldering looks before and after dances, which lead to more great sensual dances filled with physical responsiveness on her part 3) At some point in the chain of great dances, suddenly nonverbal dance invitations were never acknowledged again, social snubs happened, and the relationship turned unaccountably frosty on her part for years. And this was a local relationship, not a time-limited festival setting where “make hay while the sun shines” adds to the decision-making pressure.

    So I think sexual rejection hurts, and I don’t think women are any different from men in this respect. It may perhaps be worse, because women who start with an assumption that all men are always ready to fuck anyone (which seems to be a common underlying assumption) may take it very personally when their sexual affections are rebuffed.

  • milnieks.lv

    He is not talking to you not be cause you didn’t sleep with him, but because how weirdly and inappropriately you react to a completely natural thing. Writing an article? Really? Are you that frustrated with men?
    Men want women. Grow up! I want a lot of women. And that’s a compliment. That doesn’t mean I would sleep with all of them. One is instinct other is choice. He didn’t say “Lets fuck” didn’t he? What you describe is a statement not an offer. That’s your imagination. Your vulgar thinking is your problem no a mans. Sex is a natural continuation of connection and intimacy not a 3 dates.
    After you hang on him for hours and days in a row it’s nothing but natural to have intimacy level where he could be open with you. And lets be honest you reacted like a bitch. With bitching to all the internet and such. When he saw that in you he left. After reading this I wouldn’t danc or talk to you either.
    With all the “women movements” and social networks, I guess, there are less and less actual women, only awkward, frustrated girls, that don’t know how to behave outside the internet.
    Maybe next time, to avoid showing your bad side, spend less time trying to look more sexually aggressive (red lips, dark eyes etc) and learn some rules of social dancing. They are made up just to avoid situations exactely like this. When you lead a man to think things you insist you didn’t intended to. And just simply use your head.

    • Sofia

      Thank you Anna for being brave and sharing your own experiences (they are true no matter what people say, because they are yours). I have been to some dance events and have similar experiences.

      It makes me sad to see a lot of sexism in many of the comments but this one above takes the price. How does saying no to sex and yes to friendship make her a bitch? How should she have reacted if she didn’t want to sleep with the guy? And what a punishment, to refuse to dance just because a person is highlighting a problem.

      Milnieks – you frame it as if women are misleading men, but it might as well be the opposite. If the guy wanted sex that’s totally fine but then he could have asked her earlier instead of leading her to think that it was primarily about dancing (which is the most logical thing to think in the first place since it is a DANCE event and not a sex club!).

      Lets just make one thing clear: Every person has the right to say no to sex and being treated nicely afterwards, no matter what the circumstances are. No one owes you sex, ever, even if you have been dancing for hours and hours! Sex can be a bonus but is never an obligation.

      It is not the sex question in itself that is frustrating, but the guys’ behavior afterwards – that some men seem to use sex as a means of power when it comes to dancing. Which is problematic because from this perspective women are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. What should I do if I want to dance longer dances with great connection but no sex? It means that I as a woman must decide after 2-3 songs if I want to have sex with the guy or not, because if I dance any longer than that and then say no to sex, I will seen as a bitch. And to know in beforehand whether I want sex or not is impossible, because the desire to have sex can always change.

      What has makeup to do with this at all? How is it still a thing, to slut-shame women? We live in the 21st century – our bodies belong to us and we wear exactly as much (or little) makeup as we want to.

  • Hannah

    Why I am against this “2-3 song”-rule:

    At the moment, it takes at least 3 songs for me to be able to fully read my partner. After that I purely can enjoy the dance. Should I now be alarmed, panick and run away, as I am now in the “sex-time-zone”, where I can hurt the feelings and ego of my partner by not ending the dance with going down on him/sex? Forget about it.

    Why I love to reach for the Kiz-Orgasm:

    There should be more gratitude for dancers, who are able to focus on one person’s movements for longer than 10 minutes, instead of hopping from one person to another. Be grateful if you find a partner who is willing to spend an hour or more of his/her life to dance with you, who is willing to interpret and follow a whole series of your body movements, tiny interactions and is in line with your breathing. Be grateful for a dancer who interprets the music, like you would have, who leads you on and on. This is pure Kizomba lust. This is Kizomba Heaven. This is my Kiz-Orgasm.

    Why I separate between ON THE dancefloor and BESIDE THE dancefloor:

    It is, in my opinion, absolutely fine to feel the lust to have sex with your dance partner, but it is not okay to treat your dance partner like shit, if she/he refuses to have sex with you.
    Instead, there should be this rule: you meet as a dancer ON THE dancefloor and respect each other as a dancer on the dancefloor, no matter how long or short you dance with this person. This means, that you won’t be impolite to someone just because he/she did not follow your actions, appetite and sexual desires BESIDE THE DANCEFLOOR

    Why I recommend sex clubs:

    If dancers don’t dance with me anymore, because I am on their unfuckable/just friends-list, I as a dancer feel hurt and rejected. Any dancer who says to me: sorry, I don’t have that time to dance with “just friends”, I am here to enjoy myself and life, I ask them why they waste time and recommend them a sex club nearby.

  • Kizomba Lover

    I am a male and have been dancing Kizomba for more than two decades, yeah way more than quite few people here all together. When I started we used to call it “Passada”.

    I have seen some comments that reminds me that some people still need to learn about Kizomba.

    2-3 songs rule, is bullshit I don’t agree with that. If you are on your bad day it will take you more than 2-3 songs to warm up and then starting to enjoy it to the full. The ladies will notice that and if she already have danced with you and enjoyed she will be waiting for the next song to and continue to dance with you because she knows she will have fun. If she never did it then depending of how long she was waiting for someone to dance with her she may continue hoping that with the next song it will be better. Yes I have experienced that quite few times. Sometimes she is the one that needs that warm up time. You can’t apply this 2-3 songs rule because it doesn’t apply to all scenarios.

    Let’s talk about my experience on the Kizomba dance floor. I love Kizomba, I love to feel every bit of the song and when I found a dancing partner that fully connects with me it’s heaven! But let’s be clear when I enter the dance floor, I do it to dance and enjoy it to the full, and that’s what I transmit to my dancing partner from the first moment I hold her hand. And guys and girls, I do that without saying a word, just my body and her body communicating. Yes it’s possible, how? With time everyone interested will learn how to do it if their main focus on the dance floor is to dance and have a great time.

    Kizomba is in my personal opinion the most sensual and sexy dance you will have a male and female dancing it, and the one that you need to be a very open minded.
    Why? Because you can go from a simple dance to a “sex on the dance floor” yes that’s the power of Kizomba. Guys I am talking about my personal experience here. Then you may say oh, you end up having sex with her, sorry to disappoint you, no. Why? Because I was there to dance but sometimes we feel such connection that when you realise you are feeling more than just the bits of the song. What do you do when that happens? Make clear with your body language that you just want to dance. Also, what’s happens on the dance floor stays on the dance floor. Don’t expect “Basic Instinct” likewise sessions afterwards.
    When things starts to get a bit more Spicy my first reaction is give our bodies a bit more of space to breath and stay that way until the song finish. That will tell the lady yes you noticed but you are not there to take advantage of her. But what if the lady don’t want that space between you two?! Well, remove it then, but don’t expect that it will lead you to her panties. Just enjoy the moment and above all make her feel in the moon. She will come back to you again for sure.
    Once I asked a girl to dance and first thing she told me was “Can we do it slowly because I’m not so good with this” . I said OK well, that night during five songs was “Sex on the Dance floor”. And to make things worse DJ noticed and played the most hot Kizomba ( Tarraxinha) songs on that moment maybe because he was curious about the outcome. Everytime our eyes crossed she was smiling and I smiled back. That night She wanted, I said OK let’s do it but it was our bodies talking. When we finished she said Thank you for the dance I said you’re welcome. That’s it, I didn’t ask for more she did the same and we went separate ways.

    What I wanted to tell you all is that Kizomba is not just a dance is way of our bodies and soul to communicate. If your bodies are talking the same language then sky is the limit. Following this no one will fill rejected or misunderstood.

    Sorry for the long post. ?

    Keep Dancing Kizomba and spread love and happiness all over the world.

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